Red Queen
by zombies-ate-my-brain
Summary: Natasha and Clint find a very amusing way to tell Tony Coulson is still alive.


this came to me after watching Resident Evil

please review

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"You covered it all?" asked Clint as he hid inside of the airshaft in the community living room. Natasha who had only stuck her head in raised an eyebrow, giving Clint the look of, are you serious.

"Never mind" he muttered, Natasha gave him a small smirk. Stark isn't going to know what hit him.

.o0o.

"Hey Stark wanna watch a film with me Tasha was but something came up" he said in his best convincing sad voice.

"You got beer?" Tony asked

"Yeah"

"Not the piss water you buy actual beer?"He asked again giving a look of utter disappointment and offence.

"Yep, Tasha dropped some Russian stuff off before she left, it is really strong so go slow" he said knowing that saying that Tony would take it as a personal attack of sorts and drink as much as he could. What he didn't know was it was asguardian mead that he had gotten from Thor for his birthday.

Tiny seemed happy at the thought of Natasha leaving drinks because that woman could hold her drink, so he dumped himself on the sofa next the Clint.  
"What film we watching? Lord of the Rings? Robin Hood? James Bond" Tony mocked.

"Because I'm and Archer and a spy clever" Clint said dryly. "We are watching Resident Evil, first one"

"Wow Barton here I thought you would have picked a less intense film like I don't know lolly pop guild"

"That is not a film" Clint said taking a sip of his non alcoholic beer.  
"You would know" Tony laughed taking a swing of his own drink smiling at the strong bitter taste.

.o0o.

They were barely half way through the film when Tony was drunk. Smiling a goofy smile.

"Hey Tony do you ever think Jarvis would take over the tower like the red queen does with the Hive?" Clint asked

"No Jarvis loves me too much. Isn't that right Jarvis? Jarvis" he called but the usual English monotone never came.

"What about S.H.I.E.L.D?"

"What about it?" asked Clint.

"Well if there was a zombie apocalypse or zombies would S.H.I.E.L.D inform me?" Tony asked his words slurring together. Clint scoffed.

"How do you know there was a small outbreak of the T-virus and S.H.I.E.L.D hasn't already dealt with it?" he asked Tony, Tony was quiet for a while.

"Well if the is a Z or A you are on my team" Tony finally said.

"why?"  
"Well you have the best aim, I'd feed Cap to them because he would play the idiot that is in every horror film that goes _oh we must show respect to the zombies, don't kill the infect. _And he gets on my nerve end; Pepper would get her own suit got to keep Peps safe. Bruce could work on the cure and Natasha could dunno be the Alice to our team."

"How do you not know that were Tasha is now?" he asked, Tony blinked at him with wide eyes.

"Is that where she is?" he asked in a loud whisper, Clint shrugged.

"No Zombies are not really" a drunk Tony repeated to himself, but stopped when a moan sounded through the otherwise quiet room and Coulson stumbled into the room keeled over groaned.

"Okay I know he is dead" Tony cried.

"Yeah well remember when I said S.H.I.E.L.D is like umbrella, it's because we test and SHIT" Clint squeaked.

"JARVIS"

"I am sorry but Jarvis is no longer at your service" said a child's voice.

"Shit oh shit" Tony chanted at the undead Coulson stumbled over.

"Here climb up here" Clint said pulling down the ceiling shaft ladder, Tony climbed up it and Clint locked the shaft gate after him.

"Well I think I played that well" Coulson said.

"Yes you did sir; it's good to have you back"

"It is good to be back, can I ask why you are torturing Stark likes this, not that I am objecting?" Coulson asked readjusting his tie.

"Well he is a pain in the arse and I was sick of the Robin Hood jokes and he had to find out you were alive at some point" Clint said with the evilest grin.

"And how the hell did you over write Jarvis"  
"easy Director helped"

"Wanna go get a drink?"

"Sure, Tasha!" he called and Natasha swung down from one of the bars on the ceiling.

"When are you letting him out?"

"Oh when he is hung over and we have banged on the shaft a few hundred billion times" Natasha said and Coulson snorted a laugh.


End file.
